Dane.Weber.org - Infodump

Great New Products!!!

By Jon Carroll

Yes, that time of year has almost come again, that time when we must empty our checking accounts to give meaningless products to people we don't like very much. It brings a tear to the nose, and a pain to the lower intestinal tract.

You'd think, what with the many computer-related products combined with the ambient greed involved in cybercommerce, a person could purchase almost anything he or she wanted. But that is not the case. We at ComputerLife rush to fill this breach; we here-with present our Short Catalog of Imaginary But Necessary Computer Accessories:

The ACME All-Weather Life-Loser:

When people are told many times to "get a life," and they don't do it, it's clear that they don't want a life. They want a computer that never breaks and runs real fast.

And yet life keeps intruding. Noises, smells, personal hunger, the annoying conversation of other humans -- all of these conspire to take valuable seconds away from the Prime Computer Experience.

The Life-Loser is a Plexiglas shield surrounding a specially designed workstation. A system of exclusive Goodbye Dumb World fine-mesh filters lets healthful air in while keeping noise out. Robotic arms place ranch-flavored crackers, cola beverages, and highly preserved snack cakes in the mouth of the computer user at regular intervals. Once every four hours, the entire workstation rotates vertically 180 degrees so that blood pooling in the feet and legs will be drawn by gravity back to the heart. Beta tester George C. said he "didn't notice a thing" when he worked upside down for 18 minutes.

Colors: Clear plastic with beige, brown, taupe, or teal workstation. Supports all platforms. The Life-Loser comes with a special Love Life Emergency Switch, should the user require same.

The Tip-Top Chat Room Auxiliary Keyboard:

End those pressure-packed real-time chat room blues forever! This simple device, about the size of two toaster pastries, allows you to preprogram up to 60 instant witticisms, queries, and snappy rejoinders, all spelled perfectly and , best of all, deployed so rapidly, you need never worry about being "beaten to the punch." The exclusive Keymaster Pad above the keyboard lists all the phrases. Special pre-Christmas offer includes a phrase book written by a team of noted online veterans, with up to 1,500 killer quips to choose from, including many not seen in chat rooms before. You can leave the room with the gal or guy of your dreams -- or just empty the whole damn place out in seconds -- with any of dozens of wicked remarks. And every month we'll send you a free jargon update so you'll always be "ahead of the curve" with your Tip-Top Auxiliary Keyboard. Plug and play; requires Pentium or better. For users with Macintosh platforms -- well, gosh, too bad about all that.

The Blue Ribbon Spinner Choremaster:

Isn't it a drag waiting for Web sites to load, watching that little logo spinning in the corner of your screen? The Blue Ribbon Spinner Choremaster is an exciting new kind of software that pops up when the spin time hits 5 seconds and reminds you of an important chore you could do in the 40 seconds or longer you'll be staring at your screen. Includes such popular favorites as "brush your teeth," "feed the cat," and "lie to boss." Compatible with any Web browser. Even if you don't do the chore, it'll make you feel responsible in an entirely virtual way. And what a perfect gift for someone you've come to loathe!

Jon Carroll is a daily columnist for the San Fransisco Chronicle. You can find his odd yet appealing prose at www.sfgate.com/columnists. E-mail him at jrc@sfgate.com.