Dane.Weber.org - Infodump

The Last Spam

By Jon Carroll

It seems clear that we are about to see some consolidation in the burgeoning spam market. As unsolicited commercial e-mail reaches 200 pieces a day in some heavily trafficked areas, market penetration is declining steeply. I therefore propose the following super-condensed, all-purpose spam, a sort of online one-stop shopping announcement for unneeded products and annoying services:

MAKE $$$$$$$$$ AT HOME! MAKE $$$$$$$$$ AT HOME! The sentence so nice we had to type it twice. ANNOY YOURSELF WITH HOT PICTURES with the latest digital marketing! It works! We have over 1 million names! James, John, Joan, and Marie -- those are just four of the literally millions of names we have.

Do not break this chain, of Craig Shergold, tragically cut down in the prime of his boyhood by a secret digital disease, will lose his Congressional funding. Don't let Big Bird die! This is not a joke! A man in Singapore broke the chain and now he is much older! Don't let this happen to you!

How does it work? Use the equity in your home to build up your Web page. When the time is right, begin to send yourself multiple copies of mysterious files labeled "Join the Crew." Build up volume! Soon you will be in an endless loop of sending and receiving HOT FILES. It's the bomb. Jack up, peel out, get something for nothing.

WHAT DO YOU NEED? You need the start-up kit. You need the powerful new Java-based programming environment developed by Micronsoft! No, not Microsoft, although we really hope you make that mistake. Micronsoft is just a computer somewhere in Nevada. Is it legal? Define "legal."

DON'T DELAY. Digital marketing is the wave of the future. The number of people online doubles every seven minutes. And all of them are really stupid about e-mail. We have the names of over a million stupid people. Plus, we have an exciting new digital product from Micronsoft. It's digital in the sense that it has numbers on the outside of the box. BUT WHAT DO YOU CARE? You're not buying this junk, you're selling it! You're ahead of the curve. You're the bomb.

YOU'RE HOT!

Have you ever wondered why some people have fancy cars and you don't? Have you ever wanted to be a "jet-setter"? Has it ever occurred to you that these people are making millions by filling up e-mail boxes with CAPITAL LETTERS? They're not, but you could be the first. SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE! $$$$$$$$!

If you've gotten this far, you've learned the truth. People actually read these things all the way through. You're no dope, and neither are they! Did you know that there are a million microwaved poodles in the sewers of New York? Urban legend -- or exciting new growth industry? Thanks to an amazing Java-based poodle-seeking environment, you could own millions of dogs TOMORROW. And everyone loves dogs!

If you're not interested in this offer, just put "no thanks" in the subject line and mail it back to fictionalname@can'tcatchus.com. But only if you don't want money or fun or free T-shirts in a Java-based swindle environment. Good times!

Jon Carroll is a daily columnist for the San Fransisco Chronicle. You can find his odd yet appealing prose at www.sfgate.com/columnists. E-mail him at jrc@sfgate.com.